I was browsing on FaceBook and came across a poster with a
picture of a rather smug looking fellow bearing the following caption at the
bottom:
“I Am Who I Am. Your Approval Is Not Needed!”
I began to reflect upon the
question of whether or not that was really a good attitude to apply to ones
life? My first reaction was to agree
with it. It seemed to be an attitude
that would aptly support good self esteem and confidence. But then I tried to delve into the possible
consequences that might occur if I personally might choose to live my life
based on such an assumption. I thought
on the one hand that it was good to accept myself as I am, and not be swayed by
what other people might think of me one way or the other. But then I looked at the thought provoking
statement from a different point of view.
Is it possible that this attitude could wind up producing a person who
would become self centered and totally prideful? Had he begun to view himself as the picture
of perfection, feeling superior to all others; thus, others would just have to
accept his superior status, and if there was any need for change it must
necessarily be their need to change and none of his own.
Have you heard this statement made. “I’m stuck in my ways and I’ll never change”? It is conveying an attitude very similar to
the caption on the picture. It seems the person holding such an attitude has
convinced himself that others are obligated to accept him the way he is with a
“take me or leave me” attitude, or “like it or lump it.” “No one can tell me what to do!” What kind of relationships with others is
such a person most likely to develop? It
is conceivable that a person who is so unwilling to change would then automatically
require all others in his life to submit to his views in order to please his
ego. He/she might become so self
centered that he has developed an inability to have any consideration for the
needs and desires of others.
It could be that this learned behavior developed over a
period of time in his life as a result of feeling that others cared so little
about him, and in order to make himself less vulnerable to hurt from others, he
would first withdraw from investing any real part of himself in relationships
with others. In his way of thinking,
this would make it impossible for others to ever hurt him again. He would make others his victim instead of
the other way around. In the end, what
he has really accomplished is closing off his own ability to truly love others
or recognize and receive love from others.
Instead, his/her idea of love will become based entirely upon a self
centered attitude of “what’s in it for me?” or “what have you done for me
lately?” Anyone who tries to have a
relationship with such a person will most likely wind up living on a starvation
diet of little crumbs of carefully doled out semblances of affection that are
never really given out of true love, but once again imparted, either
consciously of unconsciously with a motivation of getting something for
themselves. Often the person on the
receiving end of this kind of a relationship begins to believe that their lack
of being loved must be caused by something they themselves are doing or not
doing. They ‘learn’ that somehow they
must not be worthy of being loved. They
will spend their lives trying to earn love and approval from someone who is
neither able to give nor receive true love.
Hopefully, one day he/she may
learn that the problem does not lie entirely within their self, and their
efforts will never be enough to fix, change, or replace the piece that is
missing in the one they are seeking to please.
Apart from a miracle, all is in vain and is wasted effort. Often the controlling and self centered
person hurts and harms the other person in the relationship, and out of sheer
self defense, not having learned how to deal with the situation in a more
positive way; the abused begins to turn into the same kind of person as their
abuser. The abused then often turns into
an abuser and begins to turn others into victims. It is continued and passed on to others in a
vicious circle. In such relationships,
it seems that the way of escape from being the victim or becoming a victimizer
is to extricate ones self from the relationship all together. One must seek help in order to become well
and whole once again and free so as not to carry the same old baggage into
future relationships. Some are able to
go to counseling to work things out and bring healing to the relationship. But that is only successful when both are
willing to do whatever it takes ‘in a healthy way,’ to promote mutual healing
for one another. If only one of them is
willing to do the ‘homework,’ then reconciliation and restoration is not a
possibility.
Unfortunately, some will choose to stay in such
relationships to the bitter end. They
get stuck in the poor me victim mode never choosing to take responsibility for
their own actions and choices. Those who
have made it out had to be willing to take positive action to overcome the fear
or whatever it was that held them captive to their situation. It takes courage and a willingness to admit
our own mistakes instead of always blaming others for the conditions of one’s
life. Some will choose to stay in their
miserable situation simply because it seems simpler and easier to stay in the
‘known’ than it is to step out on their own to face the ‘unknown.’ Maybe it’s out of fear of being alone, or
even an unwillingness to have to truly work and learn to support and be
responsible for ones self. Choosing to
remain a victim and continuing to blame others will forever block any pathway
out of the past to progress towards a better future. It’s as if they choose to stay in a perpetual
state of misery rather than admit to themselves that they are at least
partially responsible for their own situation. Believe me, I know first hand
that facing my own demons was hard, and trying to rid my life of them is still
a continuing battle that requires not only a desire to change but hard work to
do so. I have fallen flat on my face and
had to pick myself up and run to the arms of Jesus to seek His forgiveness and
ask his help to start all over again.
Change doesn’t happen without a commitment on our part to learn from God,
and then obedience to apply what He has taught us until His ways become the
normal response for us. Learning when
and how to discipline has been a particularly hard lesson for me to learn. For
some, it seems as if being a consistent and responsible disciplinarian is a
thing that has just come to them naturally.
For me it was always hard and something I had to continually try to
learn and relearn. Finding that right
balance between being strict or too lenient was difficult. Plus, I always had to battle against reacting
in anger in the heat of the moment instead of disciplining with wisdom and
patience. I do not regret disciplining
my children or students, but I have had plenty to regret in the way I may have
administered it. There is always a
balance that should be kept. I did not
always do that, and I have profusely asked God’s forgiveness and forgiveness
from others. Personal responsibility is
very closely related to being honest with the Lord, confessing our sins, and
repenting and turning away from it. Any
of us can choose to lie to ourselves and God by trying to put the blame for our
sin on someone else. I could easily find
excuses and ways to place blame on others for my own failings. I could say that I didn’t use wisdom and
patience as I should have because my husband had to be on the road and I was
stressed out by having to be both mother and father for much of that time. That might sound like a pretty good excuse,
but it just won’t hold water. I could
say I just didn’t know any better, but that won’t stand by itself either. I can say, I did seek help and tried to learn
a better way. That did help and I did
learn, but I can not say that I always applied what I had learned. I couldn’t abdicate my responsibility to
discipline, for that would have been treating my children and students as if
they were strangers, and no responsibility of mine. Failing to reach the mark is never an excuse
to stop trying to learn and trying to change.
I thank God for His mercy and grace.
Not until we truly tell God we are sorry, ask His forgiveness, and then
ask Him to help us turn away from wickedness and give no further place to the
devil will we ever be able to get free of the very thing that is holding us
captive.
Not being a psychologist or marriage counselor, I can’t
truly advise others who may find themselves in miserable and difficult
situations of continual disappointment.
My advice would be to seek a thoroughly well educated and experienced
Christian counselor, and a good support group depending upon what your need is. Lack of effort will only contribute to the
continuation of the problems until they build upon one another, and embed you deeper
into the grasp of their miry clay. One
thing is for sure; do not get involved with people who will help make excuses
for you enabling you to stay in the poor me poor victim mode. Don’t seek the company of those who may be
wallowing in the same misery as you are, as they will be more inclined to tell
you what you want to hear, instead of what you need to hear. Do get involved with a group that may have
been in a similar situation, but have been successful in finding their way out
in a prosperous, successful, and healthy manner. There are many who claim to be counselors,
but few are fully equipped to do so with much good and lasting success. Some will be satisfied to keep you coming
back as often as they can simply out of their own greed, to line their pockets. I have known some counselors who even used
their position to prey on the victims that sought their help, victimizing the
victim all over again. Be a wise advocate
for your own wellbeing, but don’t chose to do nothing to improve your situation
for then you really have no one else to blame but yourself. The best and most important place to start is
on your knees before the Lord God who loves you more than anyone else ever
could or ever will.
Refuse to stay a victim, for it can only lead to further
misery and the strong possibility of becoming an abuser and victimizer of
others yourself. Choosing to live life
with the attitude that whatever you have become is because someone else made
you that way may sound like a pretty good excuse, but in reality it’s an
absolute lie. An adult can make better
choices. In most cases, others can only
control you to the level of power that you give them to do so. The old adages of “You don’t know what my
life is like” and “Of course that’s easy for you to say or do; you don’t have
to endure what I do,” just don’t cut the mustard. If they did, no one would have ever been able
to find their way out of conditions that have been similar or even worse than
yours.
Anyone can be tempted to fall into the deception of the
attitude of “I am who I am. I don’t need
your approval.” It has just enough truth
in it to hide the lie. “I am who I am” overlooks
the fact that there is always room for improvement and thus a need for change. I do believe that what 'should' concern you
and me, is the necessity to be willing to see ourselves with honesty, realizing
that none of us is perfect, but will always be in need of correction for
improvement. In addition, and equally
important, is the need to be willing to change in order to become
a better person tomorrow, than I am today.
The only person that you have the power to change is yourself. Waiting for someone else to change to become
something that you want them to be is an exercise in futility. I do advocate that you pray with others. But if you want a real legitimate change in
your life, it has to begin in you, regardless of whether someone else ever
changes or not. Of course, I am speaking for myself when I pray that I might
learn to submit my will to the much wiser will of Jesus, my Lord and Savior,
always desiring that He would melt me and mold me more and more into His image.
"Let the meditations of my heart, and the words of my mouth be pleasing in
Thy sight." "Search me O God and see if there be any wickedness me"
and remove it far from me.
There is also some truth in the statement that as far as
who or what I am, “I don’t need your approval.” Concerning that part, what is
my personal conclusion? According to the
word of God, I am not supposed to be conformed to the world. May I forever do my best with God’s help to
resist the devil, my flesh and the world (people and their opinions and
attitudes contrary to the word of God).
Help me Lord not to yield to their manipulation based upon that which is
approved of by them, for in so doing I will have given more importance to what pleases
man over and above that which is pleasing to God. I may even find favor in the
world, but I will have lost my soul. I will have gained something of temporary
value only. I may gain the favor of the
temporary world, but at the expense of loosing the far greater hope of eternity
and all that God has promised to all who will choose to believe, follow, and
obey Him.
As I learn to have the mind of Christ (to think and
act as He does) through the renewing of my mind
by the washing of the water of the Word of God, by the power of the Holy
Spirit. May He continue to do that good work which He has begun in me. May He
forever perform His will in me that I might not become what I think
is good in my own eyes. Enable me Lord
to become all that You have planned and designed me to be, in Your sight. Only that which is pleasing in the sight of
God has any eternal value. So, in the
end, while it may be true that I don’t need man’s approval for who or what I
am, it is most definitely true that I do need and desire God’s approval of who
and what I am. It is true that I should
not think more highly of my self than I do of others. If I want to be first, I should be willing to
be a servant to others and put my self last, not as a doormat for others to
wipe their feet, but rather as an instrument of His love and forgiveness
towards others. I should be willing to
do unto others as I would have them do unto me; love thy neighbor as thyself. It is through seeking God and His
righteousness that He will help me become all that He has planned and designed
me to be that I may glorify and magnify Him in thought, word, and deed.. He alone knows what is for my best, and it is
His delight to bless me with the gift of eternal life and the glories of His
eternal presence. Let us not be deceived
by the use of partial truth mixed with lies.
To put the truth, and whole truth back into the original statement, I
would choose to revise it: “I Am Who I
Am in Jesus Christ. (Man’s
approval is not a necessity, but) God’s Approval Is Needed.” Both are a continual process that is worked out
from day to day as you and I yield our spirit in cooperation with all that He
wants to do in me and you, by the power of His word and Holy Spirit. May you choose to join in this prayer with
me: Lord Jesus, let change begin in me!
0 comments:
Post a Comment